Turning Up The Heat: My Summer Solstice Reflection
The summer solstice brought forth new energy and awakening. It's time that I put forth [serious] effort into writing in my public forum outside of my social media platforms. My predicament has always been cultivating an authentic following and generating content that will draw people into my sphere. I've been gaining followers, and connecting with great spirits, but what am I leading y'all? Where am I taking you people?
Don't misunderstand me, my Purple fam hold me down on IG. But in the grand scheme of things, it feels like I'm merely whispering in that world when I'm capable of shouting in my own. I feel so boxed in on social media sometimes, but regardless I give my best efforts by allowing you all into my life, and exposing you to the authenticity that be my art and life. IG shouldn't be the only space where you can indulge in my antics, rather think of it as a pit stop on the way to glory. There's more room over here to kick your feet up and for me to give everything I want to give, hence Duchess Unveiled.
I also spend a lot of time writing towards bigger projects. Take for example, I'm writing a novel, a memoir dedicated to my father (which has me so vulnerable and triggered it's ridiculous), and ghostwriting manuscripts for clients. I'm busy which is great for the development of my business, but it's also been feeling hella monotonous. Soul sucking. Draining.
Duch gets the job done, but man, my life is so active and adventurous I have to write about it regularly.
Summer Solstice Energy: The Purple Transformation.
The summer solstice brought me to realize that I've been absorbing a lot of the world's energy outside of my Purple sphere, and that is what's been causing my mind and heart to feel overcrowded.
About the first week in June, I had a medical scare --- my tits were aching incredibly bad, and I had to have another ultrasound. My right breast was clear of any lumps- just a few previously detected cysts, nothing major. My left breast though, did reflect another mass in, which if you didn't know is the one where I had the two large fibroadenoma removed, the interloper is small enough to be monitored with no further action. This was the best news I could get, and though my twins are strong, it's emotionally and mentally challenging for a woman to deal with breast health. Or women's health in general. I'm glad that I learned from the mistake of trying to be a hero and ignore my pain. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor ASAP, so that I could proceed with my June accordingly.
There's been an unbalanced energy looming over my relationships. I'm over men thinking they can do and say whatever they want to me. I don't care about little things like bailing on me when you've got to work. But I've been noticing the universal "Let's take Duchess' coolness for granted and let's see how she responds to my sheer ignorance, (or sorry to say) n*gga mentality". The idea that I'm readily available whenever they want me is dead. If I like him enough to make myself available, that's one thing. But when he gets spoiled, he becomes comfortable, and when he becomes comfortable, his effort diminishes, so there's less reciprocity happening, then I got to cut him off.
I'm very open with the men in my life, but I am also fed up with entertaining their lunacy. I ran out of patience to deal. And I've been having way too many mediocre meals to give a fuck about how a man feels.
I stopped making time to call them on their bullshit. I said "Duch, just stop responding all together. Give these MF's space and time to think about WTF it really is".
Mental + Emotional Wellness
I've been vibrating on a hyper sensitive frequency. Father's Day sparks my annual depression, and this year I didn't realize how bad it would effect me without someone I trust to hold me at night as I melt into tears and disparity. I'm out here on my own, (finally) I moved into a sublet for the summer, so it's my first time being completely on my own and in my own space. That brings about a different grind, so I haven't been watching the calendar the way I would normally. That's how the fateful fatherless reminder was so easy to creep up on me. It forced me to analyze my relationships in ways that I didn't see before.
It's my responsibility to take care my internal being as well as my physical being. The relationships I've been fostering led me to only look at the positive and ignore the negative.
The positive: I benefit creatively, physically, and professionally.
The negative: I do NOT benefit mentally, nor emotionally.
I've been absorbing the world's energy, which means that I've been denying the preservation of my own mental and emotional wellness. Which is ten thousand percent my responsibility, nobody else's. I decided it was time to take a break and fast from the outside. The Color Duchess is closed June 26th -July 1st. No meetings. No dates. No contact. No hookups. Just me myself, and I. A little bit of R&R goes a long way.
I took an oath to myself stating that I'll only be engaging in conversations and activities that are conducive to my mental health, because I was spreading myself too thin. So I've been tapping into outlets that are conducive to my need to free the nipple, but also where I can receive education on body positivity and women's health.
In swearing off all that's unholy, I realized that molding the love I have for my body around the "you have to wear clothes in order to be respected" narrative is actually harmful to my psyche, and I cannot afford to be apologetic about the healthy attachment I have to my body whether clothed or naked. In all fairness, I think people are too ignorant to see how their comments on their discomfort with nudity can effect a nudist. So I don't hold their ignorance against them, but that does not mean I have to subject myself to it either. My appreciation and passion for nudity may bewilder and perhaps disgust my mother, but it does not mean I am any less worthy of love, nor does it make me less deserving of a man's respect.
So I put my foot down, and I slammed the gavel. Less time trying to impose my lifestyle in unconventional spaces and more time advocating and flourishing where I am welcomed.
The first thing on my list was the World Naked Bike Ride.
It was awesome.
I realized that molding the love I have for my body around the "you have to wear clothes in order to be respected" narrative is actually harmful to my psyche, and I cannot afford to be apologetic about the healthy attachment I have to my body whether clothed or naked.
I am entrusting the bigger picture is coming together, and I'm being mindful not to drag my feet when the goings gets tough. I haven't given up on being positive, but I came to terms with realizing it's okay to be realistic and admit when you're feeling pretty fucked up inside. And I've been just that, pretty fucked up inside.
Life is a crazy ride, and I'm making the most of it. I've never been twenty something before, so I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. Overall I'm proud of the decisions I've made, and the ones I'm not so proud of, I'm growing to understand those too.
What transformations have the summer solstice brought about in you?