The Hidden Beauty in Giving Up

If the last 24 months taught us nothing else, the "plandemmy" has afforded us the opportunity to do some intense house cleaning. Though there's plenty of controversy surrounding antiquated systems and constructs, I can't help but to see the beautiful mosaics caused by the fallen pieces.

My favorite component of this chaotic menagerie is the beast that be personal development. If you understood the assignment issued by the global lockdowns, you've not only had a major shift in perspective, but the direction of your life has more than likely altered to a certain degree. Neither of which should be considered good or bad, rather an indication of growth or change of seasons. Many of us have become more sustainable and health conscious, addressed our mental and emotional health, and planned our finances for the future. C-19 (aka The Great Corrector) gave us the gift of stillness to handle a lifetime of unsexy tasks that the average person normally puts off.


The Great Corrector doubled down on healthy heaps of growth for me, but the way my threshold is set up, growth is my preferred spice, my order of the day, my cup of tea, the purple berry on top of a coconut milk frozen custard drizzled with cacao syrup and passionfruit puree! Despite my default setting being on a perpetual state of 'reflect, reassess, and readjust', turning 30 during a worldwide health crisis sent me straight into unfamiliar levels of self discovery that I was not prepared for.


My internal dialogue was ceaseless, I questioned everything, and was horrified with my findings. I did not realize how much my commitment to my life goals impacted my mental and emotional health. The world I knew was disintegrating before my eyes and so was my attachment to it. In addition, what I defined as relationships proved to be situationships, and it brought devastation to find myself in unrequited consideration. This wasn't something I really ever sat with, because I was previously able to sweep it under the rug in the name of 'making sacrifices' by having faith in a long term pay off. I invested a large sum of energetic currency into manifesting 'the existence of my dreams', and my identity had become cemented in the arbitration of being. I had mixed emotions because to some standards, I was successful, but by other standards I had minimal to show for it.


This realization felt like the ultimate betrayal, and I did what any normal person would do; punish myself. It was like I buried myself alive. Depression nestled deep into my spirit, I couldn't even look myself in the mirror. It was debilitating. The best thing I did during this time was remain sober so that I could feel every modicum of pain and disappointment that I caused myself. I did not earn the luxury to numb my pain. I was not about to let myself cop out by making grief an excuse to abuse my indulgences, especially since my job was to remain diligent in defeating the demons that I had summoned.


The more time I spent in stillness -- which is something I hadn't done in about 4 years -- I eventually found peace in vivifying the effects of my self-imposed suffering. I began to enjoy contextualizing my pain. I found the beauty in giving up, the moment that self-loathing started to feel like a chore.

random night i challenged myself to make pasta

It took about a thousand nature walks, dozens of therapeutic conversations with my mom, gallons of my favorite frozen desert, meditation, art/coloring sessions, and countless emotional meltdowns. Though The Sounds of Blackness tell us to 'never say die', I knew that my former self did in fact die, but that it wasn't something to fear. I had to make way for a different shade of The Color Duchess which could not be celebrated while I was still committed to mourning the former. I decided to become the light in the tunnel instead of depending on something outside of myself to show me a sign that the tunnel had ended.

Sometimes it can be challenging to discern the difference between a sign to give up, and an obstacle meant to be conquered. But here are some questions that you can ask yourself to help you decide.



#1 - Does your reality feel rigid, lackluster, too conceptualized, or forced?


The honeymoon phase is real, especially when you're settling into a new endeavor, job, or relationship. Things can start feeling real monotonous real fast. But there should be glimpses of zeal and inspiration underneath it all. If you're grasping at straws to remember why you got started to begin with, it might be time to revisit the drawing board to evaluate if you should move forward or take a respite.


#2 - Is your health or safety being compromised?


We are constantly bombarded with "get rich or die trying" stories about present day millionaires and renown artists who compromised their health and safety by imposing on the privacy of gatekeepers, or braving dangerous elements to seize once in a lifetime opportunities. We hear about the successful people all the time because it works out, but what about the people who are tackled by security and suffer from broken fibulas and cranial fractures?! Extreme I know, but hear me out. There are so many creative ways to traverse dimensions, apply yourself, and increase your visibility. You do not have to put your life at risk while seeking validation from gatekeepers. Be prudent, be still, and be receptive. Learn the art of attracting, and not chasing in desperation.


I invested a large sum of energetic currency into manifesting 'the existence of my dreams', and my identity had become cemented in the arbitration of being.

#3 - Is your identity defined by your goals and achievements.


Who are you outside of your car, your wardrobe, your accolades, and your reputation amongst your colleagues? Do you foster healthy balanced relationships? How do you spend a Sunday afternoon without technology or access to the internet? How can you elicit the ways you've grown without relying on the monetary things to describe you?


#4 - Does it cause you to sink deeper into self loathing?


This can be tricky, mainly because it is a universal truth to know that a bit of temporary discomfort may be necessary during the course of elevation, but not to the point where you become sick, or sink into self-sabotaging tendencies.


#5 - Are your core values in alignment with your career goals and your projections?


First assess what your values are, and then ask yourself do they align with the music, media, and corporate entities that you support. What do you put momentum and money behind?




Take it from me, you don't have to be afraid to question yourself or your identity. Always remember you have the keys to set yourself free. and that key is your mind!! Use these questions as prompts for your next journal entry. Feel free to book a discovery consultation with me if you need to.


until next time,

peace + purple

💜