Putting Myself in My Place
Sprawled across my bed this morning I mindlessly scrolled through IG stories in my fuchsia silk robe, bare underneath. I laid comfortably in starfish position holding the phone up in the air, tapping forward past memes and tapping backwards to steal longer glimpses of handsome and unattainable men. There's one or two faces in particular that are the trending topic in the group chat hosted by the holy Purple trinity: mind, heart, and vagina.
Let's call the main culprit Perry. Young Perry is the type of man who would have been perfectly suited for the woman I was a couple me's ago. I could have claimed him my own but I passed up opportunities to do so. Keep in mind, I am referring to a regular ass man that emerged from the crevice of the ghettoes in world, who had a dream and went to follow it. That isn't to downplay the special unique things about him. But just like there's him, there's many many many other candidates.
And much like the many many other candidates, I passed this brother up because we didn't want the same thing, and he didn't exactly agree with my lifestyle. He came right out and said that he wasn't comfortable being a player on the team. I didn't gain anything from convincing him otherwise, plus I respected myself too much to do that. What reason did I have for begging someone to be in my life? I'll wait.
But with that being said, WHY, on God whyyyy did I have the audacity to feel knots in my chest as I scroll through and happen upon his fine ass? Is that even natural? Why would I feel sad about what did or didn't transpire between us? Not to mention, that my willingness to pass up on him wasn't met with any sort of rebuttal. I wanted to be let go, and I was let go.
For the first time in history, I was not led on and dragged through a series of unnecessary confusing moments with a man.
The thing we had was short lived, and long distance. The benefits were more emotionally supportive than they were sexually satisfying. He measured up against the others. Most women would say "sex makes you closer or drives you apart" but I want to mention that it's easy to confuse the start of fluid communication as 'growing closer'. Once you've exchanged or ingested bodily fluids, you tend to speak what's on your mind, which is more so comfort levels increasing rather than becoming more comfortable.
But that's what happened to Young Perry and I over time. We had that confess your fears when you need someone to talk to, let out your sexual frustrations when you're in my city type of thing. Yeah, long distance, minimally beneficial, but fun. I knew he wanted someone to settle down with, and all I could remember telling him was I didn't want that.
I was honest with him, but it makes me sad because I had sincere love for the guy, but that love wasn't strong enough to ascend and be what he wanted. He couldn't give me what I needed, either.
So there I laid, in my silk robe, muting his face from coming up on my story. Trying to ignore pictures of him and his girlfriend on my timeline, because after all I don't have to subject myself to things I that make me feel sad. It's ok to admit that makes me uncomfortable, and that I don't want to see him. We agreed to go our separate ways in life, and we don't communicate. It doesn't make me a hater for feeling like I need to limit consuming his content. Especially since we went our separate ways. Out of respect for his relationship, which he asked me to do, I stay out of his hair. Sure I wish him happiness in life, but I don't need to be staring at his fine ass. I might be a Purple Siren, but my heart isn't completely uninhibited.
I got myself all the way together, and believe me y'all, I am not ashamed to say that I had to put myself in my own damn place.
2019 and beyond is all about committing to improving one's mental health, and so far I'm on track. I'd be crazy to ignore my feelings at the expense of not wanting to feel like a sucker, but I addressed it and kept it pushing.
Soo do what you need to do, ladies and gentlemen. Keep yourself in check, and seek to understand yourself while you're doing it.
peace & purple