Unfit For Monogamy
Monogamy was THEE way of life taught by my family and the church. I grew up with the idea that I wanted to dress wholesome, settle down, get married to one man, start a family; have a bunch of babies, excel in my career as a teacher or lawyer, retire in the suburbs. Ya know, white picket fence shit.
But as I got older things didn't exactly work out like that.
Because my father died when I was only 6 years old, my closest relationship goals evaporated right before my eyes. I didn't have anyone else I knew that I could actually look up in order to model my standards of love. Plus, all the married couples I saw were miserable. I was constantly hearing mixed reviews about marriage and the lack of decency in men. They ain't no good, they're dogs, they're cheaters, etc etc. Marriage was aspirational, but it wasn't an inspiration.
So when I started dating, opening myself up to love was rocky. Come to think of it, most of my relationships all ended at the expense of me being accused of cheating. Everyone's definition of cheating is relative apparently because me befriending cute guys for company and conversation, but not actually for fucking was considered cheating. See, I thought otherwise. None of my boyfriends understood how to deal with it, and always called me out for cheating. I never stepped outside of my relationship to have sex with another guy while I was committed, and for that reason I didn't see it as cheating.
But in the spirit of grooming myself for marriage, I was extremely down on myself because I thought it was something wrong with me for not being able to meet a boyfriend's need. It would start out cool, but then it would turn into something really bad, really quickly. Usually ending in arguments with me agreeing that I don't have to have male friends... which come to think of it was a total lie, and a double standard out the ass because these niggas were having female friends that they've previously had sex with, or would have wanted to have sex with. In the spirit of grooming myself for marriage, I compromised my male friendships for temporary acceptance. It's temporary because if my boyfriend didn't have anything to complain about, he'd find something wrong. Nobody really told me at the time, that young niggas didn't know what they wanted, and that they don't know how to be happy, but I knew they barely wanted me.
None of my relationships lasted for more than three years. I always thought they got bored with me, but really I was bored with them. I was capable of being faithful, but none of the men I ever dated could satisfy me long enough to keep my sights on just them. They'd get too comfortable over time, and I'm guilty for spoiling a MF. Home cooked meals, bomb sex, thorough conversation, girl on her grind, give great advice, I was a whole vibe for those cats.
When I decided to commit to being single a while, I knew I needed to clear myself from all their emotional baggage. It was time to face the music about what I wanted and needed in a relationship.
During that time I was able to clarify my identity as a woman along with the things I want and need in a relationship.
I want space
I want adventure
I want fun
I want affection
I need financial benefits
I need encouragement
I need inspiration
I need to be wined and dined
I need practical incentives
I need intelligent conversation
I want closure
I need and want security
I need bomb cuddles, endless orgasms, and career opportunities.
You feel what I'm saying?
Now before you go off by saying, "This bitch wants a lot, what's she bringing to the table?" and the answer is ME! I'm bringing me to the table. Hell, in most cases, I am the table. I hold it together.
Also not for the faint of heart.
The imaginative, innovative, high vibrating, high value, high maintenance, hard working young woman. That's what I'm bringing to the table. And any decent man of substance would be happy to dote on me.
And for the people like to say that my ideal companionship standards aren't ideal, get over yourselves. My life is real. I'm kept.
My relationship history proves that I am incapable of getting that from one man alone, so why agonize myself further by trying to pursue something I'm not cut out for?
Besides, where's the law mandating that a woman can only have one boyfriend?