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  • Duchess-Simone

Feeling Unmotivated: Freewrite

Today has been a productive day, I think. It was another night of waking up in a cold sweat from a hurtful dream. My best friend/brother JEllis made an appearance, and the dream was just down right awful, I mean it really hurt my feelings. I woke up crying, damn near choking on my tears. I fumbled for my phone over on the nightstand just to check the time, and it was only 4:30AM. I didn't have the desire to do anything else like check IG, texts or emails. I just kind of laid there in the hopes of going back to sleep. I put the phone back down and wished daylight would come just to chase the demons away.

I don't think I'll ever blog about the dream especially since I didn't even write it down in my dream log. Seeing it on paper would be too real for me, and I don't want to reimagine what I saw. It hurts that I can't burn that image from my mind. But even with my restlessness in the crisp night, I got out of bed at on time, at 5:30 AM, had my detox drink, and began my workout on schedule, at 6:00AM. But the events of the day followed as planned. I cleaned my car, I took a nap, and now I write this, which if I can be 100% real with y'all takes some serious work.

I've been feeling a little unmotivated lately. Feelings of sadness creep up on me. Sometimes I feel extremely anxious about the things I haven't accomplished, and the uncompleted tasks on last months to-do lists. It feels like my life has come to a halt, but not really because hello, I'm still alive. But what I mean is that I don't have the desire to move, to put energy or effort into any of my endeavors. My creativity has been a little in the toilet, and I definitely don't want to leave the crib to people. The least I can do is write my feelings out, to release them and get over them. Hopefully... that's the plan. So away we blog.

Come to think of it, I haven't meditated in a little bit, and by a little bit I mean about a month or so. It has been about that long. Which for me is too damn long. I can't completely attribute these human feelings to the lack of meditation, but I can say these low vibes are probably happening at a more consistent rate because of my lack of meditation. I've been feeling more anxious, a tad unfulfilled, overwhelmed, uninspired, bored. But my living situation has also changed. I am not comfortable disclosing my current situation, but living with people that complain 90% of the time is actually very draining.

Some days I feel like I'm like fully immersed into this community pool of low vibes. When I first got into this new living arrangement, I was better at bucking against the current because I was so intolerant of other people's bullshit. But then reality set in, and I started feeling a little stagnant because this isn't exactly how I imagined things to be just two months ago. I'm already dealing with quite a bit of my own, so there are days where I'm just like, tired as hell. Fighting the world's lower frequencies, and my own, it's just too damn much. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. It's fucking tiring. I entered this situation already porous and vulnerable--- from going cold turkey on weed and wine, to dealing with my weird as neighbors watching me. I knew I needed a change of scenery, but I didn't realize that would come with the threat of my peace.

Speaking of the threat of my peace, today, I was called difficult for not allowing myself to be a doormat. I was called difficult because I refused to go out of my way and do a favor for one of my roommates. If it makes me a bitch for not wanting to overextend myself for someone just to go along and get along so be it. But I don't believe in doing something for someone who when previously asked to do something for me, pisses and moans about the fact they have to do it. Not only have I not revisited the idea of receiving a favor from them, but I also find it humorous when favors, thoughtfulness, and effort is requested of me, knowing that my reaction will probably be, fck no..

Harsh? Good. Hopefully my point will be gotten across. Because you know what? It makes absolutely no sense how people are willing to shrink themselves to make nonreciprocal relationships work. I've done it all my life. I've watched my mom do it, I see my sisters do it, my aunties, everybody is down with the shit. I would accept it as a way of life if the above people I named were happy, but the tactic doesn't work for them, either. So the idea of putting myself in that space to be unfulfilled by someone else, and sucked dry by them, I'm not into it. I could be petty, but to be told I'm difficult, that's a jab to my character, which I don't appreciate either.

My mother has a saying that half a loaf of bread is better than none, and I couldn't disagree more. I don't think that I should have to settle for someone's ill treatment, when honestly they could just leave me the fuck alone. There's so much love to get in the world from so many many different sources, including people, pets, food, Purple things... There are so many hugs I could get, so many dicks to have my way with. So much to gain, even in the midst of deficit, intentional forest fires and famish. Why would I be grateful with piss when I can have actual liquid gold? That doesn't make any sense to me. It truly escapes me. I guess I gave signs that I was with the okie doke. I wonder what about my standoffish attitude put them under that impression.

Perhaps the fact that I've been continuously emotionally and mentally supportive of friends, men, and family members, and 2 out of 6 people have been there for me when I've needed them. In the past, I've reached out for help, for someone to listen, to hold me, to hear me, and have not been supported adequately or if at all. People completely overestimate my autonomy, and I don't know why that is. People treat me as if I don't have feelings, too. People don't get it; in order to be empathetic, you have to be sensitive. I've provided empathy to people in my social circle and in my family, and have not gotten it back in return.

Especially like now, I've reached out to people, and I'm straight up ignored. And that hurts. I don't wish it on anyone, and I don't deserve it. Being called difficult at this point in my life is like poking the lions den with a stick, you just shouldn't do it. You don't know what'll be the result, you could end up with a missing arm, or be mauled completely. I'm highly sensitive right now, so easily triggered. And it's not my responsibility to divulge my emotional baggage to someone who A probably doesn't care, or B probably won't listen. I would think that in 2019, with as much mental health awareness that's on the tip of people's tongues, people would be more aware of choosing better words when talking to me. In other words, people need to be more careful about the labels they assign to their personal interpretation of your actions.

Writing this took a lot out of me, and I'm going to bed now.

I'm going to woosah all the way through a shower and bedtime. I'm exhausted.

Takeaways: REMEMBER

You don't owe anyone an explanation, but you do owe myself peace of mind.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad about standing your ground.

When you feel unmotivated or uninspired, don't force yourself into something. Allow your energy to pass like kidney stones, and engage in some self care activities.

Until next time.

peace & purple


PS. yes I will be meditating tonight!