Changing My Relationship With Alcohol
For six months, my days went a little like this:
8:00 AM - Silencing my alarm to steal another 30 minutes of sleep
9:00 AM - Shower
9:30 AM - Clothe myself
10:00 AM - A glass of Chardonnay as I gobbled a handful of nuts by the sewing machine.
12:00 AM - Salad for lunch, and two more glasses of Chardonnay
2:00 PM - Red wine with my snacks, usually trail mix
4:00 PM - More wine with my dinner on the side
7:00 PM - Snack with my wine on the side
9:00 PM - 2:00 AM more wine until I'm on my way to sleep
That was the daily regiment for about six months. As you can see, I was drinking non stop, around the clock. It might not seem like a lot of alcohol to someone who grew up in Southern Italy, but it was so OD for me. Especially considering I was someone who didn't even look in the direction of alcohol less than 5 years ago.
I don't know what came over me. A part of me feels like I was being enabled by the people I lived with. But another part of me holds myself fully accountable just because I remember having days where I said I wouldn't drink, but ended up doing drinking anyway. In my accountability, I didn't have the power to refrain from drinking. At the time I didn't think I was depended on wine, or that I needed it to get by, but on the days I didn't have a glass, I'd always want to go get some.
It was a scary situation to find myself in. I wasn't depressed, but I wasn't exactly satisfied or happy with my life either. I was literally in between housing, and I wasn't the happiest with my transition. The stress of planning and preparing for my first apartment wore me out honestly. I was anxious about having to report my income on paper, and gather all my legal documents. The idea of having a lease kinda freaked me out a little bit because it materialized responsibility for me in a way that life hadn't ever done. So I guess it manifested in my coping with alcohol and marijuana.
In college I was an occasional drinker, mostly on the weekend when my work got finished. But I didn't believe in smoking because it would slow me down. And 8 years later, I can definitely attest to that. After enough regretful nights of waking up sick from cheap vodka, I switched to wine only, occasional brown. But my over indulgence literally crept up on me.
So I'm falling back tremendously. It's been about a month since I've smoked, and about the same since I've drank any. And it's not to say that I'll never drink or smoke again in my life, I just want to change my relationship with it. I don't want to feel like I am depend on these substances in order to gave a good time or get through the day. For some activities, I do find wine and marijuana to enhance the experiences. But I'm not at my best when I'm drunk or when I'm high. And I'm too old, too wise, too purposeful to cheapen my experience by diluting the potency of my personality.
I hope this helps change your perspective if you’ve ever been struggling with knowing how to responsibly indulge. it takes strength to admit you need help.
I'll share some of my sobering tips in another post shortly, and I'll link it to this one.
Feel free to leave your favorite tactics in the comments below.
peace & purple