Aligned With Change: My September Equinox Reflection
Sweet Sweet September.
Here we are, finally embarking on my favorite season, or as Mary J.Blige recently dubbed it Bad Bitch Fall.
My summer was a combination of Hot Girl Summer, and Healing Girl Summer. There were some things I thought were going to happen but wasn't able to accomplish and that left me feeling a little disappointed. I had to postpone a video shoot due to a trip that has yet to happen-- oh, and nevermind the fact that I've been itching to travel for the past six months. I needed some real therapy, so of course, what did I do? I isolated myself from people in order to get my fucking head on straight.
Do you know the amount of mental work I had to do to survive to this point? From the last seasonal reflection until now, this summer has put me through it. I was ugly for a good minute, not necessarily aesthetically, but I had to dig deep and get to the bottom of my personal problems. If you can recall in my summer solstice reflection I wrote about my emotional and physical challenges, and how it was effecting my self-perception. I felt the energies of the tides pulling something crazy and I wasn't exactly adapting to the change very well. I wanted to feel better about myself and about life, but making the changes in order to do that brought forth some unwanted drama, and I didn't like that at all. Between my mom, my partners, and work, I was just doing a lot of explaining, and not receiving sufficient support to compensate for that energy being expelled. So I had to stop giving a shit and become more withdrawn, and eventually everything kind of smoothed out. At least with my mom and with work. The romance department for me is still pretty meh, but I'm ok with that. I'd rather be undistracted and focused on the things I want to bring forth this harvest.
So, what am I intending to manifest, you say? At the very tip-top of my list is to continue cultivating a better relationship with myself. Really, it's simple, yet it's not something I feel I have mastered completely, because building a better relationship with yourself is never a finished job and it takes a lot of time.
I did make a new vision board since I have a place to hang it up in, and don't have to worry about moving it around with me. I've kept in mind the tangible things I want to create as well as the metaphysical aspects of my life that are important; alignment, diligence, conviction, etc.
September Equinox: The Purple Transformation.
My breasts haven't been giving me any issues, but this mouth, oh boy. This mouth has been causing me a lot of trouble. Of course, I'm talking about dental care, so please get your mind out of the gutter. One of my larger crowns needs a root canal, and I have been in a lot of pain. But the Purple show must go on, so I've been performing, recording, and getting through it the best way I can naturally medicating with occasional antibiotics. I've been feeling like throwing my head up against the wall, gosh, my mood swings had me up and down.
I wanted to have the tooth extracted, but the dentist convinced me to save the tooth instead of throwing it away so quickly. Even though she succeeded in doing her job by convincing me to hold on to the tooth for as long as I can, I still have to wait for my insurance to authorize the procedure. So in that time, I've been working on the east coast modeling, performing, and whatever else I do for the coin.
So my relationship reflection is a bit two-fold. These two ideas apply to both lovers and friends. We have entitlement and boundaries.
Where does this come from? I wish I understood how and why people muster the audacity to get mad when they feel like they're being ignored, especially if they don't know why they're not getting answered. Every time I go off the grid, I always resurface back into the lives of people in the same way. Usually, I give the reasons as to why I was unresponsive, and all the things I was dealing with during my absence. As a result, I'm either embraced with loving and understanding arms, or I'm ignored and kicked to the curb. I adjust either way because it's that simple. I don't fight people about the fate of our relationship. You're either ok with me or you're not.
Those who genuinely love me don't argue with me about doing what's best for myself. Period. It's unlikely they come at me with sideways and salty, and make snide remarks about my disappearing act. If anything they're confused about why I didn't reach out for help as opposed to isolating myself. But because they know my introverted tendencies, they don't press me about it.
On the other hand, I find that the self-absorbed, entitled people, usually have this "how dare you not answer my call" bravado. And let me just mention, the only person who could and should ever feel like that is my mother, and she doesn't even talk to me like that. Please, I'm so reachable by email, social media; a missed phone call or text message isn't worth fighting over. It's unusual for people to become emotional about things they don't know. It's almost like getting mad for nothing, wasted energy.
I find entitled people really disappointing. They're self-centered and completely confused about their position in other people's lives.
So you may see that I profess to be a narcissist, but that's because I am completely engrossed in myself, and my life, not because I feel entitled to anyone else's attention, privileges, or benefits. I don't approach my friends or my partners like I'm the most important thing in their lives, because 1- I'm not willing to reciprocate that all or nothing/you're my one and only dynamic, and 2- I understand and respect boundaries.
What are boundaries? Boundaries are simply knowing your damn place, understanding where you realistically stand with people. You have to have a great deal of respect to understand boundaries, and for some odd reason, I was attracting a heap of men who were sent into my life to help me establish boundaries better and you know what, it fucking worked. Because I'm not in the business of shrinking my dignity in order to build better relationships... I liked that version of myself the least.
Mental + Emotional Wellness
I find that therapy helps me when I hit creative blocks, and all hell breaks loose. I don't want to surround myself with people when I am creatively stumped because they're too fickle, and I'm way too porous to be ingesting their vibes. One day they love me, and one day they don't. I rather surround myself with enriching experiences, warm food, artsy-fartsy things, good film, and provocative media.
After being left out to dry by the people I thought loved me time and time again, I just thought it best to chill out from all the peopleing, and meet with a therapist instead. It's nobody's job to counsel me into good mental health, plus I don't trust people that damn much.
Alas, I hired a personal trainer, who has me revoking my favorite Lara Bars in between meals and reaching for celery instead. One thing my trainer has emphasized is mind to muscle connection, and I really like being able to focus on my gains. I've always enjoyed working out and eating healthy, but I'm proud of making healthier lifestyle choices where my nutrition is concerned. But Bare With Me, I am much more diligent working out when I'm not premenstrual, and my desire to snack is heightened during that time of the month as well. So I'm fighting to be more dedicated to my regiment during those times because who wants to reset every damn month? Technically a period is just that renewal and resetting of the 28 day cycle, but sheesh. I've got to get it together. Praying for strength and diligence.
All in all, I have to say that I am feeling good in my progression from the last seasonal reflection, and I want to continue manifesting onward and upward.
Aside from Pumpkin Spiced Latte's, what are you hoping to get more of this fall?