Persistence - How I Annihilated My Biggest Fears
I turned on the local news to hear the weather report:
“Good morning! Today is a high of 97° F, looks like you’ve just moved back home with far less money than what you moved out with, and your mother is dying with only three months to live. Tomorrow’s forecast will be…”
Yes, this was real life.
That was the actual climate during the entire month of August. Month eight is usually the most unfavorable, and this year was no different. It was apparent; the time has come for me to confront the dark cloud that has been haunting me my whole life.
But I wasn’t ready.
The nerve I had to think timing was in my hands. Especially since I spent nearly twenty years living with my biggest fears, looking over my shoulder, and sleeping with one eye open.
But it’s not like I was afraid to experience. Oh, no, Duchie has always been with the shit:
I moved across the country by myself. I even backpacked and hustled my way through another country. I met and performed for my soulmodel/shero. I finally began my modeling career, managed somebody else’s singing career. I appeared on TV, music videos, and partied at fly pads with fly people.
I was fly-ing through life doing any and everything the little girl in me thought was cool.
But that was my problem. I was just doing cool shit, acting fearless. That charade was dangerous. It kept me from expanding, and it almost cost me life.
The universe took the wheel and mapped a different route. Listen, the whole plan was unbeknownst to me, so I jumped from the malfunctioning aircraft to what I thought was safety. Then oh shit, my parachute wasn't working! "Oh, dear God!!" I'm known to panic when life happens, but I had to sit my anxiety the fuck down in the corner to face the wall and told her ass to die.
Fortunately my parachute manifested itself through these 7 Purple Principles and prevented a nasty ass splat.
You don't have to crash and burn, either. Here's how I annihilated my biggest fears:
1. Pinpoint your fear!
Don’t be nervous just to be nervous, because you’ll be susceptible to all kinds of shit. Ask yourself very specific questions and answer them accordingly. A measly ass one word answer “failure” is not going to cut it!! This fear has grown legs and stood in your way for how long?! It cannot live past another day. Sharpen your spear, then proceed:
"Failure of WHAT?"
"WHY are you afraid of this?"
"HOW LONG have you been afraid of this?"
"How would you feel dying with this fear?”
Of course this is just an example. I had several come to Jesus moments talking and writing myself through this process. All my fears and low frequencies were backed into a corner; the insecure one, the anxious one, the judgmental one, the emotional one, and the shy one. I killed all those bitches off. I birthed a new sense of confidence which laid the foundation of my impenetrable fortress.
2. Positively Affirm!
Pair each fear with a positive affirmation. Once my fortress was standing, I suited up for the fight of the century. I knew I had to be sharp, both figuratively and fashionably, so I spent more time getting my mind right. I got to the root of the problem. I hunted for the truth within each and every false perception of my life and self-image. I paired each of those fears with a positive affirmation. It went like this:
Fear: “I am afraid of re-experiencing the pain of my past with these poems. I never published a book before. Everything could go wrong. The world will know, and the pain will be forever”
Affirmation: “I am a beam of light. I have prevailed, and will continue to do so. I have the power to control my destiny. I will have all that I speak. And I speak wellness, prosperity, and abundance.
I developed more patience in getting to know and trust myself in this new life. To truly trust yourself is to know yourself. My goal was to kill the negative momentum, by fueling the positive momentum. I began holding myself to an even higher standard of full accountability for my words and thoughts.
3. Prepare your goals!
Standing at the top of my fearless and positively affirmed fortress, I looked down at the lifeless body I crawled out of.
Sure she was cute, but she was unfulfilled.
The old Duchess never had a hard time setting and surpassing goals, but her human bucket list had more check marks than her creator bucket list. Her fears only allowed her to experience, not to expand.
So in preparing my goals, I began writing a list of all the creative endeavors that I always pushed aside with "eh, one day". I wrote things that made my heart flutter. Everything about this moment was pure exhilaration. Not only did I have the audacity to want them, but they felt so damn ready to be pursued. My next step was figuring out "What is the best thing to do now that could benefit me later?" "What is the least resistant and requires minimal resources? "
********the Purple sphere cracks open********
Bare With Me! But of course! The title and concept was conceived almost five years ago, so really it was just a matter of pulling the pieces together, learning the publishing process, and overcoming my fear of vulnerability.
I tapped all the way into my element. So much so that fear felt it's last pillar collapse. I was just oozing violet vibrations as Bare With Me was at the forefront of my brain 24/7.
I did not want an epic book launch; self-publishing as a whole is very intricate and epic. And the goal wasn't to plan an epic book launch, the goal was to publish the damn book and celebrate life.
I'll admit I was a teeny bit nervous. I didn’t know where the hell to start, or what was happening tomorrow. But I was more excited with the pursuit of the unknown, and I was running with a solid idea.
4. Prey! - (One Shot Two Targets)
I began my research in the morning just before learning my mother’s diagnosis. The oncologist said her life expectancy was three months or less.
I was actually really grateful because my mother had some time. My father died suddenly and his death tainted our lives. So almost twenty years later, I’m facing the same fear that has crippled my growth and perception; losing a parent.
Nah, I wasn't going out like that.
Excuse your bad vibes! This is an opportunity!
That’s three months to heal mom’s body, renew her mind, and feed her soul. I had the chance to show her for real for real the kind of woman she made. Those three months she could watch me work in my element, flex in all my Purple, and extra-ness. Most importantly, I was blessed with the chance to show her my appreciation for a lifetime of teaching, penny pinching, sacrificing, and protecting me.
And the icing on the cake: I had three months to get this book published. I chose life not death. Maaaan! I was equipped to annihilate the fuck out of ANYTHING that thought it was going to stand in my way. I had two words for the universe: GAME ON!
5. P.A.C.E. - Practice And Create Everyday!
“Enthusiasm is the electricity of life. How do you get it? You act enthusiastic until you make it a habit.” - Gordon Parks
Those fears thought I was the same sweet ass little Purple sucker that could be pushed and kicked around. Now, I won’t deny having felt the worst pain in my life, because those fears would not let up! But I was already in the ring, and ready for the win.
I lost count of the rounds and realized I had to P.A.C.E. (Practice And Create Everyday) to victory. The choices were clear, invest in your career and publish this book or die.
There's no such thing as “or die trying”.
The pure essence of life was so vehemently dependent upon growth, healing, and the process of becoming.
It did not matter that my mother was in the hospital, that was not enough to hold me back. I withdrew from Temple University so I could spend all night and day by her side. I was now completely free and committed to fight by Practicing And Creating Everyday.
I devoted my time to my mother. In between watching over her while she slept, I was able to plan my book and launch event.
I rehearsed my spoken word in the lobby and cafeteria while she was out of her room for testing and procedures. It was really hard to see my mom in pain. In attempt to distract her from it, I read her poems, sang her songs, cracked jokes, and positively affirmed her healing.
We took every day one at a time.
6. Punchline Pokerface!
Take shit serious but laugh at everything! Feel your pain. Have your problems. But do not let life make a bitch out of you! When you are fighting for your life, you only have one shot. You do not have the luxury to exhibit signs of weakness. You are going to hurt. You might even cry, but you gotta find joy in something!
I pushed through 20 hours a day on the road, at too-many-fucking-miles-per-hour. I’m almost certain a trail of Purple tears can be found along route 66.
So by the time we touched Philadelphia I was all cried out and ready for whatever life was going to throw at me. I did not have time to feel sorry for myself or my mom.
I was fragile when I assumed carrying our baggage but there was no way I could let life weigh me down. That shit built muscle instead.
My Purple ass flexed so hard by choosing to laugh and dance my way through. My whole life was aching. But I could not afford one slip up!
I wanted my mom to live, and I was so determined to show those fears I could do more than wish for it. I was on such a high vibration because my intentions were specific. I was serious about healing, manifesting wealth, and winning this fight.
I laughed at everything I could not change. People’s attitudes. Shut off notices. Deadlines. Parking tickets. The fine print. Anything. Hell, on the outside looking in, I had every reason to have reason to be stressed out of my fucking mind.
But pressure could bust a pipe, or make a diamond.
7. Protect Your Peace!
In this instance I had to work a little bit harder. As an introvert, its second nature to keep people on the periphery, and it should never be taken personal if you're on the outside of my Purple sphere. The texts, calls, and DM’s came pouring in once word got out we were back in Philadelphia.
Many calls went unanswered, and even more texts un-replied to.
I chose not to broadcast specifics not only to protect my mom’s privacy but also her peace.
I only shared the intricacies of my life with people I thought would pray for my mother and wish me well. I couldn’t talk to the Worry'ers, or Negative Nancy’s, or Doubting Thomas’s.
I could not make time or space to accommodate other people’s fear as it applied to my personal situation, because I was too busy eradicating my own fear!
It's important to know you reserve that right.
I found it easier to P.A.C.E., meditate, and laugh, while monitoring our progress.
It's OK to shut the world out.
Stand clear of energy leeches.
You don’t owe you to anybody.
I had no other choice but to revisit the hurt from my past. But this time, I showed up suited, claimed authority, and annihilated some shit. Not only was I successful in finding answers, but I also assured little 7-year-old Duchess that everything turns out alright, and the doing cool shit phase died with her fear.
I had to prove how passionate I was about my passions. And I did it!! I bodied the shit out of that goal, because not only did I aid in nursing my mother back to good health, I published the book, coordinated the launch party, and got custom bookmarks, all for under $900!
If it doesn't kill you, eat it for breakfast!
CALL TO ACTION:
If you’re searching for missing pieces, or find yourself struggling to pull your head above water, implement my 7 Purple Principles to lighten the load.
& if you need me, write me. I'm here for you. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Peace & Purple.